Where have I been?!
The short and somewhat bitter answer is I've been busy. Not purpose-driven busy but busy with busy work. You know, taking a path you think you should take (even though you detest it) and then realizing you are miserable because you have not been true to yourself.
Honestly, I became a Certified Professional Coach because I love to help others and wanted the tools and knowledge to take their encouragement to the next level. I do not regret that decision one bit. What I do regret is not accepting that my heart is more into ministry than I wanted to admit. I've forsaken the very thing that makes me happy and feel fulfilled to do that which the world tells me I "must" do and I've paid for it. Dearly.
Not only have I been unable to meet the obligations I had previously taken on, I've actually gone backward instead of forward financially. I've unintentionally stood up people I respect and have literally been unable to contact anyone for long stretches of time. Cell phone problems, internet connectivity problems, computer problems, the list is as endless as it is hard for most to believe even though many have seen my predicaments firsthand. Yet, it really is all true and I have become convinced that my situation will not change until I acknowledge some basic truths.
The true irony here is that while I'm great at motivating others to become successful entrepreneurs, to seek and follow their dreams, to acknowledge and embrace their value, I stink at doing that for myself. I do not feel that I am a great Biblical scholar (I use technology to search for specific phrases and the key words I have in mind instead of relying on memorization). I also wondered how I could possibly make a difference in someone else's spiritual life when I have so definitively mucked up my own and - even as we speak - am rebuilding myself.
<- New theme song. (Lyrics here.)
My current situation is this: feeling trapped in a corporate "training" position and literally crying every day that I make the commute because I have abandoned all that meant so much to me. Religious observance, homeschooling, enjoying time with my son ... this position I've put myself in has robbed me of more than just my time. I've lost much of my soul. And for what? Is the supposed "good" pay worth it?
My resounding answer today is "hell no!".
In fact, right now I'm playing hookey to actively seek an alternative solution. I'm looking to find a way to be true to myself and still put food on the table, keep the utilities on and return to a more G-d centered life. I'm reworking my life AND career to reflect who I really am as a person, a coach and a mother.
Wishing you much peace, happiness and success,
Pearl "Penny" Lane, C.P.C.
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