My Paralyzing Fear

Confession: I struggle with a paralyzing fear that something will happen to my son, I can't get to him and my child care arrangements will fall through. He has his own fear of being separated from me, his only parent.

Why We Think This Is So: My support systems have failed me. Several times and always when it really counted. Each time I wound up having to choose between CJ and my job. Having a doctor tell me I had to choose because I was getting sick was the absolute final straw.

In the end, I've realized it's just the two of us and - for the most part - we're okay with that. We homeschool. We travel together in search of "adventure" and that place we feel we can call home. We collaborate on a kid's website (CJsKidsClub.com) and plot the business plan for the Club itself. I do virtual assisting and update social media for others (blogs, Tweets, Facebook page updates, etc.).

Sometimes I'd love to go out with friends and just hang out. Sometimes I'd like some "me" time to just soak in the tub without worrying. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I cry. Yet, I never regret being his mom.

Perhaps the only thing I regret is not establishing myself before I became a mom. On the other hand, seeing my struggle will hopefully inspire him to be and do better for himself and his family.

For now, I will continue to get weird, sometimes condescending looks and remarks, from those who do not understand where I am coming from: a totally paralyzing fear that I'll miss something or not be there for him when he really needs me (again). A fear so intense that I get physically sick - literally unable to function - and that a combination of medication and therapy have not yet been able to conquer.

A "normal" job or my son. That's what it feels like and that's why my employment efforts may always be different from what others wish they would be.

CJ's struggle is more of the standard I-hate-school-and-am-more-accustomed-to-adults-than-children-unless-it-is-playtime variety. However, when added to mine, it makes a potent brew.

Thank God for the ability to homeschool. Thank God for the ability to use my office skills in an alternate setting. Most importantly, thank God for those who can empathize, or at least sympathize, with my struggle and do not pass judgement.

Wishing you much peace, happiness and success,