So, yeah, here goes:
I'm a weepy, sad mess and it's all my fault.It's my fault because I'm not changing what I should because I don't want to accept things aren't working out the way I wanted. I don't want to accept there is no happily-ever-after. I don't want to accept that I can't do all the things I used to, the way I used to, as fast as I used to. I have a baby. Things are different. My c-sectioned body is different.
Mommy hormones are making me emotional but I work from home so I'm here a lot. A lot of people think it means I don't do anything so I should have the house immaculate, all meals made from scratch, the kids tended to perfectly, and should be able to graciously accept visitors at any hour of the day because, you know, I'm bored.
Oh yes, I'm also a go-to babysitter for emergencies and sick children because - again - I "do nothing" at home.
Really, now. Imagine doing your job while your kids make noise, people drop by, the laundry is going, the dinner is cooking, the house needs cleaning, and you haven't even changed out of your jammies yet so you don't even feel prepared to face the world at all!
My God. If the people ridiculing me say they see me online "all the time", doesn't that mean THEY are online "all the time" too? So exactly how much "work" are they getting done, hmmm?
RAWR. It just gets my goat!
As for the relationship, oh my God. Do.Not.Even.Get.Me.Started. I knew marriage wasn't going to be a walk in the park but this is absofreakin ridiculous!
God, spouse, kids, family, friends. That was my thinking. What I got is ex-wife, stepkids, husband, husband's friends, husband's family, maybe God, maybe me, maybe the baby, and eventually maybe my son, CJ.
Not acceptable. Not acceptable at all. It's not what I signed up for. Not what I was promised.
Then I stop to think, we're all imperfect creatures, he says we'll fix things, I say okay because damn it, we're married already and have a baby. Like a damn idiot.
So I'm changing things. Slowly but surely. Slowly because my mind and my soul are having a hard time accepting that I was stupid. I was lied to. I was used. By someone I grew up with. Someone who knows my story and my family's history.
The lies he's told about me. The way his peeps mock me. Jerks! It's on! It's time to put on the Big Girl Panties and bust out the can of whoopass.
Step 1: Start making more money. As a Virtual Assistant, as a blogger, as a writer, as whatever. Independence comes to those who can support themselves and their children.
Step 2: Implement a Life Plan. It doesn't matter if I don't hit all the goals or the goals change. It matters that I start taking the steps to be happy. For myself. For my kids.
Why should my children grow up thinking they have to settle for anything less than true happiness, peace, joy, love, and a good life with a good, honest spouse?
To paraphrase Jim Carrey in The Mask: Looks like Momma's gotta go kick some ass!
Wishing you much peace, happiness, and success,
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