A Difficult Confession

There is an area my son and I struggle with and I absolutely know it's me. Here's the barebones story.

There once was a latchkey kid without much (if any) structure. Her single mother tried her best but just couldn't be there as much as either wanted. The little girl grew up into a go-where-the-wind-blows type adult and then became a single parent herself.

This girl had a son. A fabulous, super intelligent, kind, compassionate, big-hearted boy who prefers having routines and schedules. In fact, he wants home and homeschool to be more rigid. Things that make his free-spirited mom shudder in dread and claustrophobia.

We all know the story is about me and my son, right?

What you may not know is that I go through phases of organization and disorganization. That I struggle to find balance. This is my biggest issue. (Although my temper is a close second. lol)

The phases alternate. I set up elaborate schedules/routines and stick to them until the sensation of being suffocated and trapped triggers some kind of destructive mechanism. Then, I unconsciously but meticulously start tearing down all that I spent so much time and effort setting up.

A few days, weeks or even months later, the frustration and overwhelming sense of drowning in my own life will cause me to once again try to establish some kind of control.

Over the last few days, I have been trying very hard to delve into what I call my "irrational" behavior. I noticed the pattern, am seeking the root cause and fully intend to rip that flippin' weed right out of my mental/spiritual/emotional garden. For my son. For myself. For everyone who I touch in some way.

Until I master myself though, you probably will read posts that will somehow indicate which phase I am in. You know I'll be sharing things I learn on my journey and, if you've experienced this or have some sage advice you'd like to share, I'd certainly appreciate it.

Wishing you much peace, happiness and success,